Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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