Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
