I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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