I'm so fucking centered right now
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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