I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
