I hate your face
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
