I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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