woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
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I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
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I could fuck to npr.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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