I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
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During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
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I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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