Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
