winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
