As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
