my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
