I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
