Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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