What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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