you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
