Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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