You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
