explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
