so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
