you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize