Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
