I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
