so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
