I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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