He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize