why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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