I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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