Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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