when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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