Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
