you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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