Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
