I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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