U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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