Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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