I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
