She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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