I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
