I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
