I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
