it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
