You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
