when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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