He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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