i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Acid is not a monday night drug
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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