So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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