What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
