i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
