You made me cry and you don't even care
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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