he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
