i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize