We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb