I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
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I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.