I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
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You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
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He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this