I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD